I feel like I am a very odd mixture of being open and closed. My parents can testify to this, many times in my teenage years I was told to be careful about stuff I say on social media, because it was a wee bit controversial sometimes (to be fair they were right, it wasn’t topless pics or anything, it was just I had big strong views I guess), but at the same time, emotionally I can be quite closed off.
I am very comfortable talking about my past experiences. There is very little I’m unwilling to talk about, and I can approach it in a fairly humorous fashion. I can talk about my issues with anxiety, my disassociation and all that fairly easily.
When it comes to focussing on my emotion in the moment I cannot do it. I am incapable of discussing how I’m feeling, or even fully letting it out. I described myself to someone the other day as feeling like I had this very hard shell, that prevented me from letting out too much emotion. I think I have this shell as a form of protection. If I don’t let my emotions out then I don’t feel weak and I don’t have to feel… I don’t know, afraid of them I suppose.
The problem with this shell, is that it completely restricts my freedom. I cannot express my joy through mad dancing like my flatmates, I can’t go and run, even if I want to, because it just feels wrong. I’m really jealous of my flatmates if I’m honest. They have this sort of fluidity and freedom, whereas I’m hard and rigid. I want to feel more fluid. I want my actions to come more naturally from my emotion, rather than me constantly analysing and restricting them.
I also have a mahoosive issue with crying. I know it is healthy and stuff, but it makes me feel weak, disgusting, but most of all dirty. I feel absolutely disgusted by myself if I cry. My response is similar to if someone peed at my feet. I really detest it. I’m learning to allow it to happen when it needs to, but crying still makes me feel gross. Gross because I’m weakened, gross because the facade of my shell is broken, gross because it’s like my body is expelling all it’s fluid (I’m a very damp cryer, and it always makes me need to pee).
I want to be able to express my emotions better. I can talk quite eloquently about my experiences, and analyse them as well from a third person perspective, but i just suck at letting any of my emotions out. Which means the bad ones get worse and the good ones fade out.
Here’s a nice song (I was going to post a different one but then I said fade out and now this):