Disassociating

Okay so I’m disassociating again, last time it helped to write my way through it on here so I’m going to try it again.

I saw my Facebook profile picture and didn’t recognise myself, and now, looking at my hands, I’m not 100% they’re real. I’m pretty sure they’re not, they’re really creeping me out. I don’t want to look at them anymore, they’re really disturbing me. I feel like I might be sick, just looking at them. They’re making me feel very nervous, I can feel a sort of pressure in my chest thinking about them.

Now I’m watching my hands typing, I feel like I’m watching puppet hands, or something that someone has animated.

I’m bending my fingers back and I want to see how far they go. I want to just keep pushing them further and further back because they might go through the back of my hand or something and then it’ll be like a funny little knot thing. I wonder if anyone has ever done that before… I’m making my left hand flash open and closed now and I want to bite it. Not to hurt myself because that’s a silly thing to do, I just want to see what my hand feels like.

Okay I’m typing one handed now because my other hand is spread across my face, because it feels really comforting. I feel a bit more normal again now. I’m going to lock my hands together.

I do seem to have an odd fixation on my hands, they’re often one of the mains causes when I disassociate … Hm.

Erin

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