Okay so this post is called “You Spin My Head Right Round” for 2 reasons”- I am going to talk about my cyclical/obsessive thoughts (spinning IN my head) and also because I broke one of these cyclical thoughts by going on procatinator.com and watching a gif with that song playing over it.
I’ve always had thoughts that run in circles in my head, but in the last year or so they’ve gone from being manageable to a little scary. I’d rather not go into detail about them, because they are unpleasant, and because that can sometimes trigger them. It doesn’t make much sense. But basically they are not nice, and by ignoring what my thoughts are saying, I often end up having a panic/anxiety attack, if I can find a way to break the cycle. It is like my brain is almost blackmailing me into listening to these thoughts, because I know how horrendous panic attacks are.
I’ve learnt ways of dealing with my anxiety, and even with panic attacks, over the last few years, but as these obsessive/cyclical thoughts are a fairly new thing, it’s harder for me to work around them.
I’m getting help with them, but I’ve found that the best ways to deal with them are usually watching something funny (for me Russell Howard always works), talking to someone, or hugging someone. Hugging people honestly helps me so much.
Up until maybe 2015 though, I had a real issue with physical contact, though. There was a time when my boyfriend hugged me too long and wasn’t letting go (not being pervy or scary, he just wasn’t going to see me for a few days and was going to miss me) and I freaked out and bit him (we hugged again when I’d calmed down and he wasn’t mad). Another time, my best friend tried to hug me and I pushed her away so forcefully that she fell down. People touching me was absolutely terrifying. I still am not a fan of being touched by people I’m not close to, but that’s pretty normal. My senses just used to go into overdrive, and because of the anxiety my brain interpreted it as danger.
But now I’ve sort of healed in that respect, I am actually able to benefit from hugging. I know that when I get stuck in one of these cycles in my head, I can just message one of my flatmates (because I often reach a point where I’m too worked up to leave my room) and say “please can you come hug me?” and as soon as they do I feel 1000x better.
When I’m home it’s a bit different. My brother doesn’t do hugging (he’s just about 17 and he’s still in the grunting/swearing phase), my Mum is usually sleeping when these things occur, and I don’t think I’ve really hugged my Dad since I was about 8, so it would just feel weird. Generally when I’m home I’m more relaxed generally, though, so it’s not as much of an issue.
But it still happens. And it’s still scary as all hell.