I was looking at my stats just now, and found that the day I had the most views and most visitors was the day I wrote about my friend’s suicide.
I don’t know how to feel about that.
Like, I’m sort of glad that people are more open to reading/learning about mental health.
But it more saddens me. People were drawn in because I wrote about the death of a kid. Why does it have to be suicide or self harm that people attach to. I don’t understand the world’s fascination with tragedy.
What saddens me more, is that it briefly fed me. It was sort of, “Oh, more people read my stuff because it was about suicide, and one of the tags was suicide, so maybe if I write more posts on mental health I’ll draw in more viewers.”
That’s not what I want my blog to be. I want it to be a place where I don’t feel like I have to feed people things they’re interested in all the time, I want it to be somewhere I can write about whatever I want/need to write about that day, which I stopped doing a little when I was trying to pander to what I thought people wanted.
This blog is for me. If other people read it, great, but primarily it’s about doing something for me. For general pleasure, and also because when I’m struggling in my head I can come here and write until I feel a bit less shit.
And now, I’m going to get up, put my pizza box in the bin, and eat some chocolate, because I can.