Crossroads

More and more lately, I’ve felt the need to talk about my mental health issues, but I’ve not really had anyone I feel comfortable talking to. I’m home from uni now, so I’m not seeing my counsellor, and it’s hard. I was starting to really open up, and be able to talk about this emotionally rather than clinically.

Now I have all this stuff that I need to talk about, but when I try to talk to anyone else it’s impossible. I can’t do it, or it just feels wrong.

I think part of it is that I don’t want anyone to worry. I don’t want them to think of me as “at risk” or fragile. The thing is, though, is I need to let people worry. I need to stop trying to cushion them against how bad things are in my head, because if they don’t know then I don’t really have to admit it.

I used to be very reliant on my friend M, who I talked about in a previous post, for mental health talk. He’d listen and not judge, and basically created a safe space for me. After our fighting, I don’t really have that.

I worry about talking to my boyfriend or my Mum because I don’t want them to worry. And I don’t think anyone else would understand.

I just want to feel okay.

I don’t want to be perfectly happy, I just want to stop having this constant war between me and my emotions. I don’t want the bad, evil thoughts to creep in and ruin things when I’m happy. I don’t want to have this white hot anger to suddenly explode in me at any given moment. However, I don’t want to go back to how I was a year ago, when I didn’t let myself truly experience any emotion at all.

I’m at a crossroads, and I need to fucking choose which way I’m going.

Erin

 

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