Tag: bad

Walking on a Knife Edge

Things seem to pass by me in a blur, I know they’re there, but I don’t really notice them. I guess, to be completely honest, things are starting to get bad again.

And it’s kinda scary. Normally the time between really bad periods is at least 9 months, usually a year+, and it’s only been about 6 since I dragged myself out last time. There’s just an overwhelming darkness that’s starting to grow inside me, and I can’t take it.

I don’t know if I can survive another one like last time. I’m not sure that I’d come out the other side. I want to be okay, but I can only be okay if I start properly opening up and being honest with myself and others. How the hell do you even start to do that? I want to talk to my Mum, but it’s never the right time.

It’s feels as if it’d be less hassle for everyone if I didn’t exist. I’m not going to do anything- don’t worry- it just seems as though it’d be easier.

I’m completely exhausted now. The thought of having to deal with it all again is unbearable. I think I’m walking along a very narrow knife edge now, and it’s far to easy to slip.

Erin

Bad Thoughts

The last day or so, my bad thoughts are coming back a little.

It’s not so much they’re actively there, but I’m suddenly finding that listening to certain songs it’s like the lyrics are actually instructing me to do something. Instead of being just a song lyric, the words get ingrained in my head, like they’re trying to make me do or think something I don’t want to. For example, I’ve been listening to E.S.T by White Lies a lot the last week or so, and one lyric that has been affecting me is

If you tell me to jump then I’ll die

It’s as if the song is saying to me “You have to go and jump off a building”

At the moment I am strong, so these thoughts are easy to resist. I know they are irrational and I am not going to act on them. But it does feel like, right now, every song is saying to me, in some form, “it’s time to die”. I’m just glad that right now they’re ignorable.

But the thing is, this happens in my bad periods too. It seems as though songs are giving me a message telling me to do things, and when I’m in that weakened mental state it’s much harder to resist. The messages I imagine in the songs seem much more vocal, and I’m more willing to listen to them than sense. In my bad times, lines between what is real and what is not become a little blurred. Thoughts and ideas and perceptions that are normally just wee things at the back of my mind, that don’t have any power, come to the forefront, and seem far more real than actual reality. I can become convinced that I am dangerous or evil, that I am putting people at risk, or that my friends are manipulating me, or have turned against me and are trying to hurt me.

Of course things like these song lyrics having funny effects on my thoughts seem normal, stupid even. But the problem is, when things become blurred, they aren’t stupid. They seem very rational. In a way, it’s like these thoughts are being inserted into me through a drip. I am learning to notice more when something, whether it’s a song or a film or even an artwork, starts to have this effect, and I stop consuming that thing before it can cause any damage. Sometimes, though, I don’t pick it up, and suddenly I have this thing whirring in my head that doesn’t really feel like it’s mine.

Erin