Tag: death

Walking on a Knife Edge

Things seem to pass by me in a blur, I know they’re there, but I don’t really notice them. I guess, to be completely honest, things are starting to get bad again.

And it’s kinda scary. Normally the time between really bad periods is at least 9 months, usually a year+, and it’s only been about 6 since I dragged myself out last time. There’s just an overwhelming darkness that’s starting to grow inside me, and I can’t take it.

I don’t know if I can survive another one like last time. I’m not sure that I’d come out the other side. I want to be okay, but I can only be okay if I start properly opening up and being honest with myself and others. How the hell do you even start to do that? I want to talk to my Mum, but it’s never the right time.

It’s feels as if it’d be less hassle for everyone if I didn’t exist. I’m not going to do anything- don’t worry- it just seems as though it’d be easier.

I’m completely exhausted now. The thought of having to deal with it all again is unbearable. I think I’m walking along a very narrow knife edge now, and it’s far to easy to slip.





I can feel myself falling back into the worlds in my head.

I didn’t even realise it was happening, though I never do.

It is warm and comforting, but I quickly discover I am trapped, and I cannot navigate my way out. Imaginary worlds are becoming more real than the real world again. They are certainly more desirable. It is not just my mind but my body too, I can feel it crying out to be a part of these worlds.

When I realise I am not in those worlds, it is soul destroying. It crushes me. It feels as though that is where I belong, not here. Why do I exist here? Of all the parallel worlds there are, why am I in this one?

The realisation that life continues beyond this moment is currently terrifying me as well. I will finish university, I will spend time job searching, I will end up with a job eventually, I will marry, I will have children, I will get some illness and die. People are always saying “life is short”, but no it’s not. It’s fucking long. Birth to death is an eternity, because it is the only time we will ever know. Time comes before an after us, but the only time that actually exists is the time we are in.

Before my birth, time did not exist to me. After I die, time will not exist. So, to me, the universe will only exist for maybe another 60 years. And then I’ll be dead and time will stop.

The time I’ve lived up till now is huge. I have lived for 20 years, or 241 months, or 1052 weeks, or 7362 days, or 176688 hours, or 10601280 minutes, or 636076800 seconds. I could go on. And each second has no end. You can cut it up into smaller and smaller pieces, but you can always cut it that little bit smaller. In the time it takes me to write this sentence there will have been about 15 mini infinities.

I feel like I have lived forever. Like I said, I kind of have. My forever is only as long as I am conscious/aware. So much has happened, and so much has already been erased from my memory, never to return. People tell me about things that occurred, and I cannot remember.

If I can’t even remember my own history, then I don’t even know myself.


Bad Thoughts

The last day or so, my bad thoughts are coming back a little.

It’s not so much they’re actively there, but I’m suddenly finding that listening to certain songs it’s like the lyrics are actually instructing me to do something. Instead of being just a song lyric, the words get ingrained in my head, like they’re trying to make me do or think something I don’t want to. For example, I’ve been listening to E.S.T by White Lies a lot the last week or so, and one lyric that has been affecting me is

If you tell me to jump then I’ll die

It’s as if the song is saying to me “You have to go and jump off a building”

At the moment I am strong, so these thoughts are easy to resist. I know they are irrational and I am not going to act on them. But it does feel like, right now, every song is saying to me, in some form, “it’s time to die”. I’m just glad that right now they’re ignorable.

But the thing is, this happens in my bad periods too. It seems as though songs are giving me a message telling me to do things, and when I’m in that weakened mental state it’s much harder to resist. The messages I imagine in the songs seem much more vocal, and I’m more willing to listen to them than sense. In my bad times, lines between what is real and what is not become a little blurred. Thoughts and ideas and perceptions that are normally just wee things at the back of my mind, that don’t have any power, come to the forefront, and seem far more real than actual reality. I can become convinced that I am dangerous or evil, that I am putting people at risk, or that my friends are manipulating me, or have turned against me and are trying to hurt me.

Of course things like these song lyrics having funny effects on my thoughts seem normal, stupid even. But the problem is, when things become blurred, they aren’t stupid. They seem very rational. In a way, it’s like these thoughts are being inserted into me through a drip. I am learning to notice more when something, whether it’s a song or a film or even an artwork, starts to have this effect, and I stop consuming that thing before it can cause any damage. Sometimes, though, I don’t pick it up, and suddenly I have this thing whirring in my head that doesn’t really feel like it’s mine.



I was looking at my stats just now, and found that the day I had the most views and most visitors was the day I wrote about my friend’s suicide.

I don’t know how to feel about that.

Like, I’m sort of glad that people are more open to reading/learning about mental health.

But it more saddens me. People were drawn in because I wrote about the death of a kid. Why does it have to be suicide or self harm that people attach to. I don’t understand the world’s fascination with tragedy.

What saddens me more, is that it briefly fed me. It was sort of, “Oh, more people read my stuff because it was about suicide, and one of the tags was suicide, so maybe if I write more posts on mental health I’ll draw in more viewers.”

That’s not what I want my blog to be. I want it to be a place where I don’t feel like I have to feed people things they’re interested in all the time, I want it to be somewhere I can write about whatever I want/need to write about that day, which I stopped doing a little when I was trying to pander to what I thought people wanted.

This blog is for me. If other people read it, great, but primarily it’s about doing something for me. For general pleasure, and also because when I’m struggling in my head I can come here and write until I feel a bit less shit.

And now, I’m going to get up, put my pizza box in the bin, and eat some chocolate, because I can.


6 Months

6 months ago today, a boy I knew committed suicide.

He was one of my brother’s closest friends, and I was good friends with his younger sister (my school was small, so everyone was friends with everyone, you weren’t just friends with people in your year).

I was pretty fucked up after he died, but I kept it hidden from my friends and family, because I felt like I didn’t really deserve to grieve. I was not particularly close to him, and I felt like I needed to be strong for those who were.

The only person who really experienced how messed up I was (besides me) was my flatmate, and after a while this put a huge strain on our friendship, which we’re still trying to mend. I had already hit a rocky patch with my mental health, and after this boy’s death, I was completely thrown off track. My flatmate was the only person who usually made me feel okay (my boyfriend does too of course, but he’s only able to visit every 2-4 weeks, so I was quite reliant on my flatmate), and as he’d got a new girlfriend and was spending a lot of time with her, I felt very alone with the scary mess inside my head. I was pretty resentful of him. Eventually, I got past being completely broken and became consumed by rage which I directed at him. It wasn’t his fault, and I shouldn’t have resented him, but I did, and neither of us treated each other right.

This was the first death I’d properly grieved. Even though I didn’t really know the boy, my grief was intense.

When my grandparents died, I hardly cried. I didn’t feel very much to be honest. When I was younger, after various experiences, I’d learnt to keep my emotions at a distance. I numbed myself to them, because it was easier. Last summer though, I finally started to let my emotions in again.

I did not know how to deal with them.

Suddenly  I was really feeling properly, for the first time in years, and learning to manage my emotions has been… Fun. That was part of why I hit the rocky patch before the boy died. Most people learn to manage their emotions in their teens- I didn’t. I cut myself off. So now, at 20, I’m actually learning how to manage them. It’s hard. Everything in me says “Pull back, separate yourself,” but I know that’s not healthy. Part of the reason I have this anxiety disorder is because I didn’t deal with emotions when events were happening, so they’ve been dragged out and caused problems later. And now I’m a “proper adult”, I can’t blame having weird emotions on teen angst, I have to suck it up and deal with them.

It is not fun.



I was watching Heathers for the umpteenth time today, but this time, rather than just amusing/thrilling me, it made me really quite sad.

Before reading on be aware there are spoilers, and if you haven’t seen Heathers then I highly recommend it, because it’s fantastic!


Okay, so anyways.

I was watching Heathers, and it got to the scene where JD blows himself up, and I felt overwhelmingly sad. It was like that scene in The Hunger Games, when it’s the final showdown with Cato, Katniss and Peeta, and Cato/the audience realises that Cato is not the true evil, and that the system fucked him. With JD, he is how he is because he lost his mother when he was very young. He has felt unloved for so long, and he seems to realise that he is beyond a point of loving. Which is sort of heartbreaking.

I think it must be because I recently finished watching 13 Reasons Why, and it’s made me want to hug/protect everyone from all the bad stuff. I just wanted to make it all okay for him. Make him feel like life isn’t a war and that he can love and be loved. I feel like in the musical his internal conflict is better represented (the musical is the best musical I’ve ever seen, I love it), and the audience gets a deeper view into what a sad character he is. The song from his death scene in the musical is called “I Am Damaged”, which just sums him up.

But he still does evil things.

In fact, Heathers does not really have a true protagonist or antagonist.

The Heathers are all pretty bitchy in the beginning. Heather Duke is fearful and anxious because of Heather Chandler, so becomes briefly happy/normal after her death, until she is encouraged to become the new queen bee. Heather MacNamara is kind of bitchy, but then, after the deaths, she is shown to be vulnerable and sort of sweet. Heather Chandler isn’t really as deeply explored because she dies so early, but it’s obvious early on that she doesn’t enjoy all the aspects of being queen bee (like when she is forced to give a blowjob at a party). As well as that, she is killed off, and if she was the true villain of the film you’d expect her to last a lot longer. Veronica is the “protagonist”, but again, she is involved in the killings and JD’s madness, so she is still evil. To be honest, a lot of the film seems to be her saying “I hate so and so”, and this doesn’t really change to the last third. JD obviously does bad stuff- he kills 3 people (including himself), and does all sorts of other crazy shit. But it’s a result of his upbringing, and being damaged by his mother’s suicide.

I can’t remember what film/show it’s in, but someone mentions Heathcliffe and Cathy’s (from Wuthering Heights) love being their only redeeming quality, and in a way this is sort of true for JD and Veronica. The only good thing about JD is his complete and true love of Veronica (even though he later becomes manipulative, the only truly good part about him is the intensity of his love for her). Veronica it could be argued has other redeeming qualities- she seems to have some sort of moral compass (unlike every other character), but apart from that, it is her love for JD that makes her a compelling/exciting character.

All the characters in the film are pretty morally ambiguous to be honest- no one is completely evil or good.

The whole of JD’s story arc is extremely sad really: he loses his mother, moves house constantly so never really makes any friends, his Dad is an arsehole, he finally finds something good in his life (Veronica), but because he’s so fucked up already and is clinging to the one good thing he loses her as well, and then he ends up killing himself. It’s really quite sad. And in a strange way, I relate to him more and more. I don’t know what that says about me.