Last night I had a dream, that has stuck with me throughout the day. I haven’t been able to get it off my mind. It wasn’t that it was extremely frightening or distressing, but it has stuck with me.
In it, I had started university, and discovered my roommate was Emma Roberts, but as she was pre-Wild Child (probably around about her Unfabulous years).
In the canteen, we befriended 3 guys- a very tall, large, curly haired guy who constantly wore sunglasses. I don’t remember his actual name, but in the dream I nicknamed him Hagrid. There was a black boy, who had hair that sort of held itself up in a cylindrical shape. I can’t remember his name, but from here on we’ll refer to him as Jim. Then there was the emo looking boy, who was kind of silly and basically my best friend along with Emma Roberts. Can’t remember his name either, but we’ll call him Matt.
There was the usual rigmarole of university life, which went on for a while. It was basically the development of our friendship. Then, we met again in the canteen, the 5 of us, to plan a trip. We were going to go to some hot place, with desert, for a few days.
Myself and the boys went, but Emma got sick and couldn’t go. She wasn’t happy, and covered our room in posters.
We rode horses through the desert, but we got lost, and we had very little water. It was night by that point, so we decided to make camp and move on in the morning.
In the morning, the horses were gone. Hagrid carried Jim for a while, and from his position in Hagrid’s arms, Jim spotted a yurt in the distance. We went to it, and found it was kitted out with all that we needed but water. We decided to each take a compass, and head out in search of water. We searched for hours, and eventually I found myself crossing what appeared to be Matt’s path. He had entered into a cave, and a butterfly and a dragonfly flew down onto my shoulders. A spider was spinning a web. I walked deeper into the cave, and it was all bioluminescent, with beautiful fish residing in pools. It was quite cold. I began to resurface, the cave was in fact a tunnel, and at the other entrance I found Matt. He was sitting against the rock, and he had cut his wrist open. I felt sick to my stomach, and asked him what he was doing. He wasn’t trying to kill himself, he told me, he just wanted to feel it. I ripped my top and tied it tight like as a tourniquet to stop the bleeding.
He was so weak from exhaustion and blood loss, that I had to carry him in my arms back to the yurt. Hagrid and Jim were back, and when they saw him Jim immediately ran to get a doctor, and Hagrid just went outside and left us on our own.
I placed Matt in the bed, and he smiled at me as if I was the most important thing in the world. It was a very powerful look he gave me. In that moment I wanted to protect him and keep him safe more than anything else. It became my only goal. But no matter what I did, I couldn’t fix the wound on his arm. I just wanted to make it all okay.
And then my alarm went off.
It wasn’t the fear of Matt dying that stuck with me today, or the horror at him so violently injuring himself. It was the look he gave me, of complete trust and love, and my overwhelming need to protect him.
I can be quite a maternal/protective person, but rarely have I felt it so strongly as I did in that dream. It was like nothing else in the world mattered, I just had to keep him safe. It is frightening, the lengths that I feel like I could’ve gone to to make sure he was okay.