Tag: illustrator

It’s Summertime!

It’s Summertime!

And I’ve not got Lana Del Rey’s sadness. Ha, funny joke.

I’ve got lots of plans for this summer. The last couple of weeks I’ve been highly motivated, been in a very good mindset, so I’ve got lots of ideas about how I’m spending my summer.

I know I’m setting myself mini projects, to expand my skills, as I’m starting my 3rd year of my illustration course next year, and I really need to up my game.

I’m hopefully going to do up one of our sheds and make it into a sort of studio.

Got stuff planned with friends (for once).

And of course I’ll be working back at the kennels, but I may be doing a wee bit of volunteering at the Sea Life Sanctuary that’s about 50 miles down the road.

I’m home now, finally, which I’m glad about. I’ve just been so ready to be home and get out of my Dundee mindset. I’m usually so high stress in Dundee, because my senses are completely overloaded by the city. When I’m home, it’s much quieter and calmer and I feel a lot less anxious.

Anyways, check out my Facebook page to see more updates on my illustration/artwork- hopefully I’ll be a bit busier on the page than I have been of late: www.facebook.com/ecbarkerillustrator/

Please enjoy the delightful image of Nigel Thornberry,




Today, I realised something, that I hadn’t really noticed in the past.

My flatmate (M) came into the kitchen, while my other flatmate (H) and I were just hanging out. He came in to tell us to make sure we left the extractor fan on in the bathroom till the walls were completely dry, and that someone had turned it off just there. I told him it was me, because it’d be on for ages and I thought it needed to be switched off.

He didn’t insult me. He didn’t turn it into an argument. He wasn’t nasty in any way. He simply said, “Okay, well you need to leave the extractor on till the walls are dry,”.

In my head, it felt like a personal attack. I immediately felt as though I needed to defend myself. I started to rise to those feelings, and at the same time could feel stress and anxiety and, well, anger, bubbling up inside me. It made no sense. I had no reason to be angry, which just made me feel more stressed.

Thankfully, at that moment my Mum phoned, and I made a hasty exit.

But later on, I couldn’t help wondering what would’ve happened. Would I have given way to the anger and go on the defensive? Would I have changed the subject? Or would i have accepted what he said on moved on.

And it became apparent to me, that the third option would not have happened. And in most situations it doesn’t. When people say something to me that maybe I don’t agree with, like in the past when H told me that I should’ve left the kitchen when I had an hour long phone conversation with my Mum so that her and boyfriend could make and eat their dinner, I seem to take it as a personal attack. I can’t accept it, or brush it off, or ignore it- I feel this need to defend myself, or change the subject as quickly as possible, so that the situation de-escalates. Even though in reality, it hasn’t escalated at all, and someone has just made a totally normal comment or request.

It could be that is because of my social anxiety disorder (SAD). My SAD is essentially caused by a deep and intense fear of rejection and abandonment from friends, to the point where I find it impossible to talk to many people, because I fear their rejection so enormously.

But I worry it’s something else, something more. The more I consider these things, the more it begins to seem as though something else is going on. I need to know.


Some Days I’m Built of Metal

I’ve been feeling extremely high stress this week, especially today (I mean Sunday, it’s still Sunday till I go to sleep).

I ended up getting a bit ill over the weekend, I’m not sure whether I did have a bug or whether it was stress induced, but I suspect it was the latter. I spent the whole weekend being terrified I would vomit (the prospect of vomit petrifies me).

Anyways, the stress has been really getting me today, and no-ones really been in the flat. Normally if I’m stressed I go talk to one of the others, but they just didn’t seem to be about today.

I started to feel a bit sick again earlier (the illness had passed by then), just because I was getting so worked up, and I wasn’t calming down. I still feel quite sick, but I’m just trying to relax. It is very hard for me to relax. I got very dizzy, and felt like I was going to faint, but I got it under control enough that I was able to stand up.

I started feeling very sick with stress again in the last half an hour (I watched the most recent episode of “Clique”, which is great by the way, and something about it just kicked me off again- it was a very tense episode). I put on “Do You Feel It” by Chaos Chaos (it’s in an episode of “Rick and Morty”, also a great show) on repeat, and started drawing myself again. I’m going to have to stop writing now because my fingers are starting to feel numb and tingly, stress/anxiety again, so I’m just going to try and calm down a bit. My limbs are starting to ache because I’ve been so tensed up.



Feeling Too Much

I spent most of this day in my room, as I’ve been feeling really poorly.

The last couple of hours, I started looking through old photos and videos of myself. At first it was fine, but then I could feel that I was going to disassociate, and I could sense it would be a bad one, as today I’ve just been feeling things a lot more intensely than normal.

So. I stopped looking through the pictures and stuck Lana Del Rey on, and took pen to paper. I knew I needed to do a self portrait. I know that doesn’t necessarily make sense, as looking at photos of myself normally triggers disassociation, but portraits are different. When I create artworks, I’m creating a different character. So it’s not actually me in this image. It’s a harder version, a little angrier, with a little more fire. That’s the feeling I get anyways.




Woah-Oh I’m Halfway There!

I don’t even like Bon Jovi (sorry Harley!).

No, I’m halfway there because I’ve final created a design I’m happy with for the backs of the cards for the artist book project. So all that’s left now is to finish the faerie illustrations (not too many left, just the stupid bloody deataigh dragon and a couple of others) and create the map. And I love making maps and drawing/painting faeries, so I’m feeling pretty chill. Everything’s good.

Aside from the fact I’ve felt quite nauseous all day and was almost sick earlier (my throat is still sore from the acid stuff that came up) that is. I don’t think I’m coming down with anything (hopefully), i think it’s just I’ve been stressing, and it’s taking its toll.

But I can relax a wee bit, this project is in hand, the Future Cameras project will PROBABLY  be okay (we’ve got a group presentation thing, on the 31st, but I don’t think the actual sketchbooks are due till the 24th(ish) of April. The essay is going to be my main focus this week, because even though we’ve got the “Natalie Project”, that’s not officially due till the 24th of April as well, so if I crack down with the essay and learning my lines everything will be FINE, so long as I don’t have a tummy bug.

Below is the final design for the backs of the cards. It does look a tad wedding-y, but I think once it has the image on the front it will be fine. I’m really happy with how they’ve turned out. Obviously at the bottom it’ll have the actual coordinates, I just need to create the map first!


Faerie back tree 7 FINAL