Tag: music

Bad Thoughts

The last day or so, my bad thoughts are coming back a little.

It’s not so much they’re actively there, but I’m suddenly finding that listening to certain songs it’s like the lyrics are actually instructing me to do something. Instead of being just a song lyric, the words get ingrained in my head, like they’re trying to make me do or think something I don’t want to. For example, I’ve been listening to E.S.T by White Lies a lot the last week or so, and one lyric that has been affecting me is

If you tell me to jump then I’ll die

It’s as if the song is saying to me “You have to go and jump off a building”

At the moment I am strong, so these thoughts are easy to resist. I know they are irrational and I am not going to act on them. But it does feel like, right now, every song is saying to me, in some form, “it’s time to die”. I’m just glad that right now they’re ignorable.

But the thing is, this happens in my bad periods too. It seems as though songs are giving me a message telling me to do things, and when I’m in that weakened mental state it’s much harder to resist. The messages I imagine in the songs seem much more vocal, and I’m more willing to listen to them than sense. In my bad times, lines between what is real and what is not become a little blurred. Thoughts and ideas and perceptions that are normally just wee things at the back of my mind, that don’t have any power, come to the forefront, and seem far more real than actual reality. I can become convinced that I am dangerous or evil, that I am putting people at risk, or that my friends are manipulating me, or have turned against me and are trying to hurt me.

Of course things like these song lyrics having funny effects on my thoughts seem normal, stupid even. But the problem is, when things become blurred, they aren’t stupid. They seem very rational. In a way, it’s like these thoughts are being inserted into me through a drip. I am learning to notice more when something, whether it’s a song or a film or even an artwork, starts to have this effect, and I stop consuming that thing before it can cause any damage. Sometimes, though, I don’t pick it up, and suddenly I have this thing whirring in my head that doesn’t really feel like it’s mine.




In my post, “I Need to Speak”, I talked about how (funnily enough), I needed to speak about something.

Well, tomorrow I’m going to do that. I have a counselling session, and I’m going to talk about it. I don’t know what will become of it, all I know is that doing it will give me some piece of mind.

In other news, the new Gorillaz album is out tomorrow and I am BUZZING. I’ve pre-ordered it, so I’ll get it on Friday as well, so it’s all going to be great. I just want them to do a Europe tour so I can go see them.

I Need To Speak: https://charlottehowls.wordpress.com/2017/04/22/i-need-to-speak/




Gorillaz has been one of my favourite bands since I was fourteen. I’d always liked them, but about a month before my fifteenth birthday, I suddenly became really into them. That seems to be the way with me, one minute I don’t care about a band and the next they are the most important thing in my world.

First I got Demon Days, then borrowed my Dad’s copy of Plastic Beach, and later bought their self titled album. I was never a huge fan of The Fall, but I do have a couple of songs off of it.

My obsession with them was a huge. Over the course of a few months, I drew dozens of Gorillaz drawings, and literally listened to nothing but their music. I watched interviews, listened to the biography- my life revolved around it.

Gorillaz was the first band that I was really into (excluding Chumbawamba, which was on of the only things that stopped me crying when I was a baby). Before that, I’d never bought a full album, I’d only ever had 1 or 2 songs by each artist on my iPod. Like with many of the bands I’m into, I gradually forced my brother into loving them (he always starts out hating them, and after a few weeks he loves them too). When I came home from school I’d just sit for hours on end, meticulously copying screen grabs from the music videos.

I really was obsessed.

The mad obsession phase lasted about a year, and was followed by Kings of Leon in 2013 (don’t listen to them at all anymore), Cage the Elephant in 2013 (they’re my all time favourite band) and My Chemical Romance in 2014 (still love them). After that, my mad obsessions became less mad, and I started to appreciate music at a slightly healthier level. Except soundtrack, because I’ve always been bonkers for that.

So you can imagine my excitement this week, when Gorillaz released four new songs and announced a new album. I came very close to tears.

As you’ve probably picked up, I do have an anxiety disorder, and just general issues with my mental health. Although I’ve always been quite high anxiety, it only really kicked off properly in 2012, and in the five years following my mental health has really been through the mill. Gorillaz has always sort of carried me through. My love for them, one of the most powerful loves I’ve experienced, came from a time in my life where I was extremely happy and before things really went downhill. I don’t think I’ve been that happy since, except possibly summer 2015. But whenever I listen to them I get a sort of tingle of joy from my fifteen year old self. They help me to feel a bit more sane, and a bit more like I actually exist. The joy I had in that time and the love I had for Gorillaz was so powerful that I can feel the aftershocks still, and probably always will, and that is a sort of proof to me that I am real.

The likelihood now, with this new music, is I will probably regress to my fifteen year old self, except maybe slightly less obsessed. Gorillaz Phase round 2. I am hoping they do a tour, and if they do I will pay any amount of money to see them, because it is that important to me.


Listen With Your Heart

While curled up in bed feeling ill (it’s kept me up all night, hence why I’m posting now), a tune came into my head: “Listen With Your Heart” from Pocahontas. I’ve not watched Pocahontas in forever, and, although I love soundtrack music, I’ve never been hugely bothered by Disney soundtrack (it’s too chirpy).

But I opened YouTube and listened to it twice through, and I could feel the hairs rising on my arms, and that pinching feeling in my nose when tears come to my eyes. I don’t know where it came from, but suddenly this song I’d never cared for was deeply affecting me.

As I was listening, I had some of the visions in my head that I often do- myself sprouting wings (still dragon/scaled ones), birds flying overhead and calling to me, and a new one. I don’t know whether it was just because it was Pocahontas, but I remembered a man who visited Kilmartin Museum (I think) and he had all these American Indian flute things with him. They might actually be when I decided I wanted to play flute… Anyways that doesn’t  matter. I could feel myself playing one of those flutes as my wings grew, and I could feel the flute’s music circling me (it was a sort of turquoise/teal light). I think I need to travel.

I need to go away somewhere different. I am going home in a couple of weeks, but I need to go somewhere that feels different. I don’t know where. My head says forests and sandy shores, not typical beaches, but I just need to go and be alone at one. It’s all inside my head.