Tag: story

Falling

 

I can feel myself falling back into the worlds in my head.

I didn’t even realise it was happening, though I never do.

It is warm and comforting, but I quickly discover I am trapped, and I cannot navigate my way out. Imaginary worlds are becoming more real than the real world again. They are certainly more desirable. It is not just my mind but my body too, I can feel it crying out to be a part of these worlds.

When I realise I am not in those worlds, it is soul destroying. It crushes me. It feels as though that is where I belong, not here. Why do I exist here? Of all the parallel worlds there are, why am I in this one?

The realisation that life continues beyond this moment is currently terrifying me as well. I will finish university, I will spend time job searching, I will end up with a job eventually, I will marry, I will have children, I will get some illness and die. People are always saying “life is short”, but no it’s not. It’s fucking long. Birth to death is an eternity, because it is the only time we will ever know. Time comes before an after us, but the only time that actually exists is the time we are in.

Before my birth, time did not exist to me. After I die, time will not exist. So, to me, the universe will only exist for maybe another 60 years. And then I’ll be dead and time will stop.

The time I’ve lived up till now is huge. I have lived for 20 years, or 241 months, or 1052 weeks, or 7362 days, or 176688 hours, or 10601280 minutes, or 636076800 seconds. I could go on. And each second has no end. You can cut it up into smaller and smaller pieces, but you can always cut it that little bit smaller. In the time it takes me to write this sentence there will have been about 15 mini infinities.

I feel like I have lived forever. Like I said, I kind of have. My forever is only as long as I am conscious/aware. So much has happened, and so much has already been erased from my memory, never to return. People tell me about things that occurred, and I cannot remember.

If I can’t even remember my own history, then I don’t even know myself.

Erin

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Returning to an Old Story

Since about this time last year, I’ve been very focused on my faerie story/world (which you can read more about in my older posts). I’ve been building the world, the characters and developing their various stories. I am sort of addicted to it. For a while, last semester, it felt like that world was more real than my actual reality, but at the time I was struggling a lot mentally, and that world was somewhere where I had control and felt happy. The real world was extremely frightening and everything felt like it was spiralling out of control.

In the last few weeks, though, I’ve found myself drifting back towards a story that I have really thought about for the last 18 months or so. It was one which started in my head when I was 15, and grew and developed over many years. But when my first year of university ended, I sort of abandoned it.

When I create a story, all the characters are a part of me. I invest a piece of myself into each and every one of them, which is why I become so obsessed and entangled with these worlds. When I abandoned that story, it was because I no longer really related to those characters.

After my experiences with my mental health semester though, I feel more connected to these characters again, and also, because I’ve had space from them, it feels like I might be able to write a better story. I might be able to do them justice.

Although my faerie story is my preferred one and feels more powerful, it’s important to me that I finish this old story, because then I can let it go. Maybe I’ll publish it, or maybe I’ll forget it for 20 years, and then rediscover it and read it. But I want to write it in full, so that my relationship with it ends. The characters will still be part of me, but they won’t haunt me anymore, with their need to have their tale told.

So yeah, I’m going to start focusing on that for a bit once all my work is handed in for assessment. I’m also going to keep an eye on my faerie world, I don’t want that to start drifting away.

Erin