Tag: suicide

Dreaming

Last night I had a dream, that has stuck with me throughout the day. I haven’t been able to get it off my mind. It wasn’t that it was extremely frightening or distressing, but it has stuck with me.

In it, I had started university, and discovered my roommate was Emma Roberts, but as she was pre-Wild Child (probably around about her Unfabulous years).

In the canteen, we befriended 3 guys- a very tall, large, curly haired guy who constantly wore sunglasses. I don’t remember his actual name, but in the dream I nicknamed him Hagrid. There was a black boy, who had hair that sort of held itself up in a cylindrical shape. I can’t remember his name, but from here on we’ll refer to him as Jim. Then there was the emo looking boy, who was kind of silly and basically my best friend along with Emma Roberts. Can’t remember his name either, but we’ll call him Matt.

There was the usual rigmarole of university life, which went on for a while. It was basically the development of our friendship. Then, we met again in the canteen, the 5 of us, to plan a trip. We were going to go to some hot place, with desert, for a few days.

Myself and the boys went, but Emma got sick and couldn’t go. She wasn’t happy, and covered our room in posters.

We rode horses through the desert, but we got lost, and we had very little water. It was night by that point, so we decided to make camp and move on in the morning.

In the morning, the horses were gone. Hagrid carried Jim for a while, and from his position in Hagrid’s arms, Jim spotted a yurt in the distance. We went to it, and found it was kitted out with all that we needed but water. We decided to each take a compass, and head out in search of water. We searched for hours, and eventually I found myself crossing what appeared to be Matt’s path. He had entered into a cave, and a butterfly and a dragonfly flew down onto my shoulders. A spider was spinning a web. I walked deeper into the cave, and it was all bioluminescent, with beautiful fish residing in pools. It was quite cold. I began to resurface, the cave was in fact a tunnel, and at the other entrance I found Matt. He was sitting  against the rock, and he had cut his wrist open. I felt sick to my stomach, and asked him what he was doing. He wasn’t trying to kill himself, he told me, he just wanted to feel it. I ripped my top and tied it tight like as a tourniquet to stop the bleeding.

He was so weak from exhaustion and blood loss, that I had to carry him in my arms back to the yurt. Hagrid and Jim were back, and when they saw him Jim immediately ran to get a doctor, and Hagrid just went outside and left us on our own.

I placed Matt in the bed, and he smiled at me as if I was the most important thing in the world. It was a very powerful look he gave me. In that moment I wanted to protect him and keep him safe more than anything else. It became my only goal. But no matter what I did, I couldn’t fix the wound on his arm. I just wanted to make it all okay.

And then my alarm went off.

It wasn’t the fear of Matt dying that stuck with me today, or the horror at him so violently injuring himself. It was the look he gave me, of complete trust and love, and my overwhelming need to protect him.

I can be quite a maternal/protective person, but rarely have I felt it so strongly as I did in that dream. It was like nothing else in the world mattered, I just had to keep him safe. It is frightening, the lengths that I feel like I could’ve gone to to make sure he was okay.

Erin

Bad Thoughts

The last day or so, my bad thoughts are coming back a little.

It’s not so much they’re actively there, but I’m suddenly finding that listening to certain songs it’s like the lyrics are actually instructing me to do something. Instead of being just a song lyric, the words get ingrained in my head, like they’re trying to make me do or think something I don’t want to. For example, I’ve been listening to E.S.T by White Lies a lot the last week or so, and one lyric that has been affecting me is

If you tell me to jump then I’ll die

It’s as if the song is saying to me “You have to go and jump off a building”

At the moment I am strong, so these thoughts are easy to resist. I know they are irrational and I am not going to act on them. But it does feel like, right now, every song is saying to me, in some form, “it’s time to die”. I’m just glad that right now they’re ignorable.

But the thing is, this happens in my bad periods too. It seems as though songs are giving me a message telling me to do things, and when I’m in that weakened mental state it’s much harder to resist. The messages I imagine in the songs seem much more vocal, and I’m more willing to listen to them than sense. In my bad times, lines between what is real and what is not become a little blurred. Thoughts and ideas and perceptions that are normally just wee things at the back of my mind, that don’t have any power, come to the forefront, and seem far more real than actual reality. I can become convinced that I am dangerous or evil, that I am putting people at risk, or that my friends are manipulating me, or have turned against me and are trying to hurt me.

Of course things like these song lyrics having funny effects on my thoughts seem normal, stupid even. But the problem is, when things become blurred, they aren’t stupid. They seem very rational. In a way, it’s like these thoughts are being inserted into me through a drip. I am learning to notice more when something, whether it’s a song or a film or even an artwork, starts to have this effect, and I stop consuming that thing before it can cause any damage. Sometimes, though, I don’t pick it up, and suddenly I have this thing whirring in my head that doesn’t really feel like it’s mine.

Erin

An Intense Fear of Abandonment

All relationships are conditional to some degree. It’s undeniable.

Relationships (and I don’t just mean love/sex ones, I mean friendships, family etc.) all hinge on something that can switch it from good to bad.

Perhaps the thing it hinges on is whether your best mate shags your ex, or if you forget to do something for someone, or if you become a sex worker.

What makes me uncomfortable and kind of pissed, is when someone I considered a close friend let our friendship hinge on my mental ill health.

I know that sometimes mental health problems can end friendships, and they can certainly strain them.

I have an anxiety disorder (it was more specifically social but I’ve recovered from that a bit, only for it to become more of a general anxiety disorder). I’ve also suffered from depression in the past.

My social anxiety disorder (SAD) was essentially centred around social rejection. I am/was so intensely afraid of abandonment and rejection that it made it very difficult for me to form friendships because I lack an ability to trust people. I mean, to an extent I can, but trusting people is extremely hard for me. I don’t really know why. Things happened in the past that intensified it, but did not cause it- I cannot pinpoint a time when this inability to trust began.

Anyways, because I have such difficulty forming friendships, and I mean proper ones, not the kind where you just say hi in the street. At present, I would say I have maybe 3 close friends. That sounds pretty normal, but then apart from that I don’t really have a huge number of friends. I have people I am nice to and who are nice back, though really it doesn’t matter to me whether they’re in my life or not. I can cope.

So you can probably imagine what a massive effect it has on me when one of the very small group of people I actually feel comfortable with decides that being friends with me is too much effort.

To be fair, last autumn/winter (from about October-December, so maybe 10 weeks total), I had an extraordinarily hard time with my mental health. I’d become convinced I was evil and dangerous, and I was in a constant state of fear of the world and myself. I was terrified that I was going to harm someone or myself. Reality and the world in my head blurred a little, and things I would not normally believe, things that remained strictly in my daydreams, became darker and had more power over me. It was a very scary time. This friend, who at the time I considered my best friend (although I don’t know if that’s really something you have at 19 but whatever) at first tried to look out for me, but, as they’d recently gotten into a new relationship, became increasingly unavailable.

And then my friend committed suicide, and everything exploded. I wasn’t able to really eat or sleep for a good 2 weeks, I was having anxiety attacks a few times daily and a few panic attacks a week. I dissociated almost constantly- I knew I wasn’t real, that I was part of some mighty creature’s game, or part of a book. I wasn’t able to see my boyfriend much either, who’d normally be there for me, as the dead boy’s closest friends at home were even worse than I was.

I felt completely alone. I’d been convinced my friend would abandon me, and when I needed him most, they did. When I asked them if they would mind hanging out and watching a happy film with me or something, two nights after the boy died, they told me that they’d rather leave me to it and hang out with their partner.

This was the first time in my life that I’d actually been able to be open about my grief. In the past, I have put up a steely facade, and tried to be a crutch for the people I’d decided deserved to grieve more than me (which was everyone), and this time, because I was learning to accept my emotions more, I actually let myself feel it. I didn’t really know how to deal with it, but I knew I needed the friends I trusted and cared for the most to help support me. And although the others did as best they could, my closest friend was just so… Distant. They seemed to find it so easy to leave me on my own to cope with a huge trauma, so they could go and watch a film in bed with their partner.

When I came back to myself a bit, as in being able to sleep a bit more and eat a bit better, I was furious. This person had always said to me we’d always be friends, they’d always be there for me, and they hadn’t been. I’d fallen off the cliff completely, and there were no footholds or handholds to climb back up. It felt like I had no support system.

And then the fighting began. Rather than actually talking to them, I’d crush it down inside, primarily because I thought if I told them how I was actually feeling they’d move further from me, abandon me more. It felt like if I was anymore alone I was going to die. That’s not an exaggeration, my mental health was in such a state that I thought I was going to die from it. Not kill myself- just shut down completely.

But that amount of anger can’t be crushed for long. Soon it began to explode out, at the smallest things. Eventually, it became directed towards their partner, who, in reality, had done nothing wrong, and had actively encouraged my friend to spend time with me and be with me through that really horrible period.

As I had done in the past during times of such extreme anger, I cut the partner off completely. I removed them from all my social media, and, as best as I could, avoided them. I behaved standoffishly when they were about, keeping my sentences to monosyllables, keeping my door locked so they knew I didn’t want them near me.

As I was falling apart inside, my shields, which I had so recently learned to let down, went right back up. I still talked to most of my friends, but emotionally I was back to where I was from about 2010-2015. I was cold and numb.

My severing of ties caused more tension in the friendship, but things calmed down because I felt that by doing that I had removed anger.

The Christmas holidays came, and we were all apart for 4 weeks. I went home and recuperated (and also a wisdom tooth came in which was not pleasant, didn’t enjoy Christmas dinner as much because my whole face hurt) and when I came back my mental state, though it wasn’t perfect, had greatly improved. I decided to keep my distance a bit, because, although most of what I did was reaction and response, rather than attacking, I had, at times, been unfair.

I apologised to my friend, and their partner, and did my best to make amends.

And was met with a wall. I tried to talk to them about stuff, accepting that we’d both been dicks, and instead I was ripped to shreds. They didn’t understand how much they had hurt me, and instead tore into me. I apologised over and over, and meant it each and every time, for the stuff I’d done and said, but not once could they bring themselves to say sorry, or accept that anyone but me had done anything wrong.

In the end, I got so tired of feeling like I was the only one who had to make amends, I started distancing myself from them. They had become so prone to lashing out at me that I felt as though I couldn’t say or do anything, literally anything, around them without it being wrong. The steps I’d made in improving my mental state were quickly reversing. I once again was starting to feel as though I was a great evil.

I had my other close friend, but because she is so extraverted, and so sociable, I am used to her not being as available. I couldn’t see my boyfriend as much as I’d have liked either.

It was at this point I did something I thought I never would: I reconnected with my best friend from high school, who I’d battled with over something petty (that’d gotten blown out of proportion by other people sticking their oars in) and hadn’t spoken to in 2 years.

I once again had support, and it was beginning to feel more like I had people I could turn to. I was sad because this person had faded out of my life mostly, like Homer in the hedge (google it), but I was mostly just glad that I felt like I had true friends again.

The only issue was that I was supposed to be living with that person next uni year. We hadn’t said much beyond “hi” for weeks. I didn’t want them in my life at all anymore, because it had become so detrimental to my mental health. I had grown stronger again, and though I was terrified of fighting again, I knew I couldn’t sign the lease for the new flat with the way things were. Because the way they’d been making me feel… I didn’t want to have to deal with that for another year. I’d rather they just got out and stayed out.

My other flatmate, my extraverted friend, had become more of a confidante in this time, and she encouraged me to talk to them. And then eventually half forced me into it, because I was beating about the bush.

I told them that we needed to talk asap. I told them that if they didn’t talk to me then I would not be living with them next year. So they agreed.

I was so distressed about it that at times in the conversation I had to tell them to stop talking because I physically felt like I was about to throw up. When they came into my room to talk, I was shaking like a leaf, felt feverish and dizzy. It was like the beginnings of a panic attack. It took all my strength of will to stop it becoming a full blown panic attack.

I kept calm though. When they started to raise their voice I very carefully asked them to keep it a bit more relaxed. I sat and took it as they unreservedly lay into me (although it was mostly at very calm tones, but it was still aggressive). I tried my best to respond in the calmest manner I could.

I did cry.

I cried because I was distressed. I cried because it felt like this was the final chance to make things better. I cried because I felt like if I said anything at all then they’d walk out of my life forever. I cried because of the things they were saying.

By the end of it though… Things weren’t good, but they were a little better. They hugged me. Which was nice.

Now though, I don’t feel as though I can ever truly trust them again. My extravert flatmate had a nice way of putting it- “there are a few people in our lives that we know, if we were taken in by the police, and phoned them, that they would do anything to help. We both thought he was one of those people, but maybe that’s not so” (she also felt as though he could not be relied on as much anymore). Maybe, superficial friends is all we can ever be. I don’t think I can ever let them know what’s really going on my head, or trust them to be there for me when I need them, because I know it will happen again. They are talking to me and acting as though everything is fine, but it’s not. And I just don’t know how we can ever get close to returning to how we used to be.

I get that when people get into horrendous mental states it can be hard at times to support them. But it’s not okay to just walk away from them at the first sign of trouble, which is exactly what happened. I know that I did become pretty awful. The primary reason for that, though, was because I felt alone, and by avoiding me and abandoning me further, I ended up feeling completely terrified and isolated.

When people say that your mental health is your responsibility, it really pisses me off. It’s simply not true. It is your responsibility to seek help, but then it also becomes the responsibility of the healthcare professionals looking after you. Friends and family are responsible for, essentially, loving and supporting you. Not being there to fix you and pick up all your pieces, but to stand by you and help you to be strong, till you can be strong on your own again.

It is extremely difficult to make it through serious mental issues alone. Trust me, I’ve tried. You need a support system there for you, so when things are at their hardest, you have someone there give you a helping hand. Not do it all for you, but just help.

This is honestly all how I feel and how I view the events that occurred. Obviously more stuff happened inside my head, that I would prefer not to discuss at the moment, because I still struggle to think about it. Maybe at some point, I’ll feel better about talking about it, but right now the wounds are still raw.

Erin

Oh

I was looking at my stats just now, and found that the day I had the most views and most visitors was the day I wrote about my friend’s suicide.

I don’t know how to feel about that.

Like, I’m sort of glad that people are more open to reading/learning about mental health.

But it more saddens me. People were drawn in because I wrote about the death of a kid. Why does it have to be suicide or self harm that people attach to. I don’t understand the world’s fascination with tragedy.

What saddens me more, is that it briefly fed me. It was sort of, “Oh, more people read my stuff because it was about suicide, and one of the tags was suicide, so maybe if I write more posts on mental health I’ll draw in more viewers.”

That’s not what I want my blog to be. I want it to be a place where I don’t feel like I have to feed people things they’re interested in all the time, I want it to be somewhere I can write about whatever I want/need to write about that day, which I stopped doing a little when I was trying to pander to what I thought people wanted.

This blog is for me. If other people read it, great, but primarily it’s about doing something for me. For general pleasure, and also because when I’m struggling in my head I can come here and write until I feel a bit less shit.

And now, I’m going to get up, put my pizza box in the bin, and eat some chocolate, because I can.

Erin

6 Months

6 months ago today, a boy I knew committed suicide.

He was one of my brother’s closest friends, and I was good friends with his younger sister (my school was small, so everyone was friends with everyone, you weren’t just friends with people in your year).

I was pretty fucked up after he died, but I kept it hidden from my friends and family, because I felt like I didn’t really deserve to grieve. I was not particularly close to him, and I felt like I needed to be strong for those who were.

The only person who really experienced how messed up I was (besides me) was my flatmate, and after a while this put a huge strain on our friendship, which we’re still trying to mend. I had already hit a rocky patch with my mental health, and after this boy’s death, I was completely thrown off track. My flatmate was the only person who usually made me feel okay (my boyfriend does too of course, but he’s only able to visit every 2-4 weeks, so I was quite reliant on my flatmate), and as he’d got a new girlfriend and was spending a lot of time with her, I felt very alone with the scary mess inside my head. I was pretty resentful of him. Eventually, I got past being completely broken and became consumed by rage which I directed at him. It wasn’t his fault, and I shouldn’t have resented him, but I did, and neither of us treated each other right.

This was the first death I’d properly grieved. Even though I didn’t really know the boy, my grief was intense.

When my grandparents died, I hardly cried. I didn’t feel very much to be honest. When I was younger, after various experiences, I’d learnt to keep my emotions at a distance. I numbed myself to them, because it was easier. Last summer though, I finally started to let my emotions in again.

I did not know how to deal with them.

Suddenly  I was really feeling properly, for the first time in years, and learning to manage my emotions has been… Fun. That was part of why I hit the rocky patch before the boy died. Most people learn to manage their emotions in their teens- I didn’t. I cut myself off. So now, at 20, I’m actually learning how to manage them. It’s hard. Everything in me says “Pull back, separate yourself,” but I know that’s not healthy. Part of the reason I have this anxiety disorder is because I didn’t deal with emotions when events were happening, so they’ve been dragged out and caused problems later. And now I’m a “proper adult”, I can’t blame having weird emotions on teen angst, I have to suck it up and deal with them.

It is not fun.

Erin

Heathers/JD

I was watching Heathers for the umpteenth time today, but this time, rather than just amusing/thrilling me, it made me really quite sad.

Before reading on be aware there are spoilers, and if you haven’t seen Heathers then I highly recommend it, because it’s fantastic!

 

Okay, so anyways.

I was watching Heathers, and it got to the scene where JD blows himself up, and I felt overwhelmingly sad. It was like that scene in The Hunger Games, when it’s the final showdown with Cato, Katniss and Peeta, and Cato/the audience realises that Cato is not the true evil, and that the system fucked him. With JD, he is how he is because he lost his mother when he was very young. He has felt unloved for so long, and he seems to realise that he is beyond a point of loving. Which is sort of heartbreaking.

I think it must be because I recently finished watching 13 Reasons Why, and it’s made me want to hug/protect everyone from all the bad stuff. I just wanted to make it all okay for him. Make him feel like life isn’t a war and that he can love and be loved. I feel like in the musical his internal conflict is better represented (the musical is the best musical I’ve ever seen, I love it), and the audience gets a deeper view into what a sad character he is. The song from his death scene in the musical is called “I Am Damaged”, which just sums him up.

But he still does evil things.

In fact, Heathers does not really have a true protagonist or antagonist.

The Heathers are all pretty bitchy in the beginning. Heather Duke is fearful and anxious because of Heather Chandler, so becomes briefly happy/normal after her death, until she is encouraged to become the new queen bee. Heather MacNamara is kind of bitchy, but then, after the deaths, she is shown to be vulnerable and sort of sweet. Heather Chandler isn’t really as deeply explored because she dies so early, but it’s obvious early on that she doesn’t enjoy all the aspects of being queen bee (like when she is forced to give a blowjob at a party). As well as that, she is killed off, and if she was the true villain of the film you’d expect her to last a lot longer. Veronica is the “protagonist”, but again, she is involved in the killings and JD’s madness, so she is still evil. To be honest, a lot of the film seems to be her saying “I hate so and so”, and this doesn’t really change to the last third. JD obviously does bad stuff- he kills 3 people (including himself), and does all sorts of other crazy shit. But it’s a result of his upbringing, and being damaged by his mother’s suicide.

I can’t remember what film/show it’s in, but someone mentions Heathcliffe and Cathy’s (from Wuthering Heights) love being their only redeeming quality, and in a way this is sort of true for JD and Veronica. The only good thing about JD is his complete and true love of Veronica (even though he later becomes manipulative, the only truly good part about him is the intensity of his love for her). Veronica it could be argued has other redeeming qualities- she seems to have some sort of moral compass (unlike every other character), but apart from that, it is her love for JD that makes her a compelling/exciting character.

All the characters in the film are pretty morally ambiguous to be honest- no one is completely evil or good.

The whole of JD’s story arc is extremely sad really: he loses his mother, moves house constantly so never really makes any friends, his Dad is an arsehole, he finally finds something good in his life (Veronica), but because he’s so fucked up already and is clinging to the one good thing he loses her as well, and then he ends up killing himself. It’s really quite sad. And in a strange way, I relate to him more and more. I don’t know what that says about me.

Erin

On Serious YouTuber Videos

Lately I’ve been watching videos from the YouTuber Johnnie Guilbert. Normally I don’t like YouTubers, but I have grown to quite like him, as well as It’s Black Friday (he’s more of a normal one, whereas she talks a lot about the goth community and it’s quite interesting).

Anyways, I’ve noticed that I gravitate towards his more serious videos, the ones about his history with self harm and suicide, the ones where he isn’t just mucking about doing stupid shit.

It got me thinking. Why am I so drawn to these videos? Is it because it is more relatable, because he is more human? Is it because I am some kind of sick sadist type thing and feed on human emotion. I often worry that I am like that, that I do feed on people’s misery. I don’t know. Maybe it’s because it comforts me to know that other people feel shitty too, I mean I know they do, but when Johnnie lays it all bare in his videos… People just don’t really do that in real life.

It made me wonder about what would happen if I did the same. How would people respond if I made a video about my anxiety? Or about when my thoughts get warped and I terrify myself? Or about when I disassociate?

Part of the appeal with Johnnie is, I think, that he is a rather beautiful emo. A part of me is still that fifteen year old girl who was a bit obsessed with emo boys. It may also be because he does cry in these videos, and I am always drawn to men/boys when they are crying. I think it is a mothering thing. I have such a strong need to care for other people, and I often avoid dealing with my own problems and try to look after others instead. Or maybe it’s because when guys cry it is weirdly attractive. Men are generally expected to be hard and strong and not cry, so when they do it feels as though they’re letting you in, because they’re showing their vulnerability.

So, back to my point. If I made that kind of video it would not get the same response. I am female. People, girls especially I think, are more interested in men opening themselves up, because girls generally feel freer being open with others. Also, I am not particularly attractive, in my opinion. And the boy on the bus who, when I was thirteen, was dared to kiss me (ew) and he declared for all to hear, “Ugh no way, not that thing- it looks like the PE teacher!” (our PE teacher was actually really nice, but she was around about 55-60, and reminded me a little of a walnut, so being compared to her was a bit of a knock to my already low self esteem). I have no visible grouping or stereotype- I’m not goth or emo, punk or hippy, chav or girly. I’m pretty average. So why would someone care? An average girl, who is mildly unattractive, doing something all girls do.

It’s not that I intend to make a video like that (I hate appearing on camera), it just got me thinking. And wondering if the real reason why people listened to what Johnnie had to say was perhaps not because they actually cared, but because he was a pretty emo boy. I don’t know.

Today I have mostly been listening to Massive Attack.

Erin