Things seem to pass by me in a blur, I know they’re there, but I don’t really notice them. I guess, to be completely honest, things are starting to get bad again.
And it’s kinda scary. Normally the time between really bad periods is at least 9 months, usually a year+, and it’s only been about 6 since I dragged myself out last time. There’s just an overwhelming darkness that’s starting to grow inside me, and I can’t take it.
I don’t know if I can survive another one like last time. I’m not sure that I’d come out the other side. I want to be okay, but I can only be okay if I start properly opening up and being honest with myself and others. How the hell do you even start to do that? I want to talk to my Mum, but it’s never the right time.
It’s feels as if it’d be less hassle for everyone if I didn’t exist. I’m not going to do anything- don’t worry- it just seems as though it’d be easier.
I’m completely exhausted now. The thought of having to deal with it all again is unbearable. I think I’m walking along a very narrow knife edge now, and it’s far to easy to slip.
More and more lately, I’ve felt the need to talk about my mental health issues, but I’ve not really had anyone I feel comfortable talking to. I’m home from uni now, so I’m not seeing my counsellor, and it’s hard. I was starting to really open up, and be able to talk about this emotionally rather than clinically.
Now I have all this stuff that I need to talk about, but when I try to talk to anyone else it’s impossible. I can’t do it, or it just feels wrong.
I think part of it is that I don’t want anyone to worry. I don’t want them to think of me as “at risk” or fragile. The thing is, though, is I need to let people worry. I need to stop trying to cushion them against how bad things are in my head, because if they don’t know then I don’t really have to admit it.
I used to be very reliant on my friend M, who I talked about in a previous post, for mental health talk. He’d listen and not judge, and basically created a safe space for me. After our fighting, I don’t really have that.
I worry about talking to my boyfriend or my Mum because I don’t want them to worry. And I don’t think anyone else would understand.
I just want to feel okay.
I don’t want to be perfectly happy, I just want to stop having this constant war between me and my emotions. I don’t want the bad, evil thoughts to creep in and ruin things when I’m happy. I don’t want to have this white hot anger to suddenly explode in me at any given moment. However, I don’t want to go back to how I was a year ago, when I didn’t let myself truly experience any emotion at all.
I’m at a crossroads, and I need to fucking choose which way I’m going.