Tag: time

Falling

 

I can feel myself falling back into the worlds in my head.

I didn’t even realise it was happening, though I never do.

It is warm and comforting, but I quickly discover I am trapped, and I cannot navigate my way out. Imaginary worlds are becoming more real than the real world again. They are certainly more desirable. It is not just my mind but my body too, I can feel it crying out to be a part of these worlds.

When I realise I am not in those worlds, it is soul destroying. It crushes me. It feels as though that is where I belong, not here. Why do I exist here? Of all the parallel worlds there are, why am I in this one?

The realisation that life continues beyond this moment is currently terrifying me as well. I will finish university, I will spend time job searching, I will end up with a job eventually, I will marry, I will have children, I will get some illness and die. People are always saying “life is short”, but no it’s not. It’s fucking long. Birth to death is an eternity, because it is the only time we will ever know. Time comes before an after us, but the only time that actually exists is the time we are in.

Before my birth, time did not exist to me. After I die, time will not exist. So, to me, the universe will only exist for maybe another 60 years. And then I’ll be dead and time will stop.

The time I’ve lived up till now is huge. I have lived for 20 years, or 241 months, or 1052 weeks, or 7362 days, or 176688 hours, or 10601280 minutes, or 636076800 seconds. I could go on. And each second has no end. You can cut it up into smaller and smaller pieces, but you can always cut it that little bit smaller. In the time it takes me to write this sentence there will have been about 15 mini infinities.

I feel like I have lived forever. Like I said, I kind of have. My forever is only as long as I am conscious/aware. So much has happened, and so much has already been erased from my memory, never to return. People tell me about things that occurred, and I cannot remember.

If I can’t even remember my own history, then I don’t even know myself.

Erin

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I am Tiny

I am watching/listening to a video on Facebook right now, and it is making me feel so small.

This is it, although the version I am watching features clips of war and refugees:

Watching it made me see how little influence I have. I know these kinds of things are supposed to make you feel like you can do something to help, but today it made me feel small.

I want to help all of the people who are suffering. I want to stand in front of dictators and corrupt rulers, all rulers and say, “No. Stop. This is wrong, this is not okay,” but I am one person, and I can see no way that I can do that. Even if I tried, the likelihood is I would be shot. Even though they are supposed to represent us, they will not listen.

I want to go and hug all of the people in pain and living in fear. Not just in war zones but everywhere. I want to make everything okay. I want to tell the people who feel unloved that they are loved, that I love them and that they are important. Everyone is important.

Sometimes I feel like I don’t matter, and then I really think about the lives I’ve affected.

My high school best friend would probably have entered school feeling quite lonely. Initially I was the one who forcibly glued us to our other friends. One of my best mates at university, without me, probably wouldn’t have ever met his current girlfriend. Recently, when my friend was an extreme state of distress, and could’ve ended up doing something bad, I told him all the reasons why I loved him and he was great, and even doing that helped. I have had a positive effect on so many people’s lives in so many ways.

I just wish I could do more.

Erin